Over the last month or so the Google search that has sent the most traffic here has been for “How to tell my parents I’m an atheist” or similar. In my previous blog posts on coming out of the closet as an atheist, agnostic, or whatever closet you’re in, I have always pushed for just sucking up and doing it. However, since I’ve had some comments or other contact with middle age people who can’t for various family reasons and since most of the people with these Google searches are likely younger than me, I feel the need to point out times when you should NOT come out of the closet.
I am a 26 year old professional and a bachelor, so generally I write with those like me in mind. That is those who are emotionally and financially independent. People for whom being open about being an atheist would at most result in some awkward family gatherings or at worst having to skip them for a year. For those for whom this is not the case the most likely scenarios are those who are still dependent on their parents or those who are married and have children.
If you still live with your parents, then you really need to tread lightly, especially if you are in high school and will need housing and/or other support from your parents for many years to come. Since that wasn’t my situation when I came out to my parents and I never had the choice about when, I surely don’t have all the answers, but I can ask some questions knowing that it is generally reason that leads people to disbelief and your reason can continue to guide you.
- How dependent are you on your parents? The more dependent the more you have to loose. Also the longer you’ll be dependent on them the more critical it is.
- Do you have friends or family that could take you in or help you out if all hell breaks loose? If the answer is no, then be very careful.
- How will your parents react? If your the youngest and have had older siblings go before you then you have a pretty good idea. In my case, my oldest brother had come out as an atheist almost 20 years before I did, so I knew what to expect. The higher your parent’s religiosity the lighter you need to tread here.
- Are you parents forcing religiosity from you? If they’re content with you keeping your mouth shut and sitting quietly in the pews, then you can probably suck it up and deal with it. If they have a stance (like my parents did) that church attendance past the age of 16 is voluntary then you would be free to opt out. Regardless of the situation, I’m sure you can work out a way to get out of public displays of faith.
If you are trapped, then you just might have to hide this from your parents. Find outlets to express yourself, such as blogs, podcasts, and AtheistNexus. Be careful and use a pseudonym so you’re parents wont find out. Also keep your views to yourself on social networking sites like Facebook. I would also recommend using Google Chrome for all your atheist browsing and take advantage of its incognito mode, that way there won’t be any record of your on line activity for your parents to find. If this is you, it will suck, but the day will come when you will find like minded people you can be open with. Odds are that at your school you will find some.
Next time, I’ll try to offer some food for thought for those who are at risk of loosing their families on the other end of the spectrum.
Here are the earlier posts on telling your parents your an atheist:
Telling Your Parent’s You’re an Atheist, Part 1
Telling Your Parent’s You’re an Atheist, Part 2
Telling Your Parent’s You’re an Atheist, Part 3