I should let you know that I am very happy that when I came out as an unbeliever, it didn’t impact my relationship with my parents. They love me, I love them, and while there was a little adjustment, they remained just as supportive as they had always been. We also dropped the topic for a few years, but more recently we’ve gotten comfortable discussing it. So Mom and Dad, thank you! I couldn’t ask for better parents.
Last time we covered how and why, today it’s more of the don’ts of telling your parents and immediate family that you’re an atheist.
Once you’ve come out, shut up. Everybody’s family has different criteria for fully accepting someone as an adult. Most likely getting married, serving in the military, being a manager, or some other arbitrary criteria will cut it. Don’t expect having a certain birthday or graduating from college to get you to that level in their eyes. Once you’ve reached that point you can have rational conversations with your parents, more or less as peers, before that you’re a child in their eyes and they won’t take you seriously.
If you have younger siblings that are still dependent on your parents or have nieces and nephews with believing parents, don’t try to deconvert them. It will just create animosity. I knew my oldest brother was an atheist when I was kid, but he didn’t try to free me of the myth I was being indoctrinated with. However, trying to figure out ways to bring my brother to salvation was a big part of what led me to reject Christianity, so take heart in knowing that just by being out to them you will challenge their faith.
Odds are that your parents are well established in their religious tradition. They may even be old enough that making a change may not even be advisable. About a month ago I was talking to my mom and she asked me what I would think if she told me that she was now an atheist. I was surprised by the question, so I probed a little before I gave the answer of, “Mom, I think that would be pretty cool.” She told me that it wouldn’t ever happen, but asked if I even thought it should. I thought about it for a few seconds and replied with something along the lines of “No, you’re at a point in your life where you’re getting ready for retirement. Who you are has long been worked out, so there would be no point in making a change. Do you think that a sixty year old Catholic woman should convert to Adventism?” To which she responded in the negative and completely agreed with me. Please see the email from my mom in the next post.
When people are in their teens and twenties is when they generally figure out who they are. That is the time to make changes like this. Middle age can work too as people often seek to redefine themselves during their mid-life crisis. Some recent statistics I saw about when people came to their atheism shows that these are the ages where it happens most frequently. It makes sense. In short, don’t bother trying to deconvert your parents, especially if their over 50. But, keep in mind that you may be surprised to find that one or both parents has been a closet atheist all along (please note that wasn’t the case with mine).
Once you’re parents view you as an adult, be the voice of reason for your family. I have had conversations with my mom recently where she has asked me question such as how to be more accepting of gays (Please see the email from my mom in the next post to clarify this last statement). She’s also asked me questions about theology, recognizing that while I don’t believe it, I am well versed in the history and doctrines of the church.
The bottom line is that while it might by a little awkward with your parents when you first come out, they will still love you and still want to be involved in your life. Do the right thing and come out, but be sure to exercise some reason.