The last time I was in Utah (at least outside of the airport) my beer tastes weren’t very sophisticated, that’s changed. I am a bit of a connoisseur, the type who would rather drink a good beer (or two or three or…) than a case of cheep piss water. I’m particularly fond of porters and stouts. I’m also fond of saying that my favorite beer is the one I haven’t tried yet, although a good standby is always Deschutes Black Butte Porter.

I’m in Salt Lake City for an overnight business trip and I went down to a restaurant near my hotel in what would now (by the time you read this) be last night. While I was there I had a few beers to go with my steak and of course one for dessert.

With the main course, I had Polygamy Porter, which I gave a very brief review of a few months ago. While it’s dark, the body and consistency are quite light, probably not much heaver than Budweiser or PBR. As far as flavor, it’s weak and rather bland. In short, its a disgrace to all Porters.

For dessert I had Squatter’s Captain Bastard Oatmeal Stout. I’ll admit my expectations were low, but it was absolutely pathetic. The color, consistency, and even body were almost identical to the Polygamy Porter, but it was just a touch heavier (or was I just a little less hydrated?) and it had the slightest, and I do mean slightest, hint of oatmeal.

A light porter is almost tolerable, but a light stout?

Of course the blame lies with Utah’s 4% ABV limit for beer. When nobody who cares about making a good Porter or Stout would ruin their beer to comply with that standard and it takes little to no craftsmanship to make a 4% beer, they have no insentive to make a good beer and frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if it would be impossible to make a decent full bodied and full flavored porter or stout at that low of an alcohol level.

One thing I’ve noticed as I’ve sampled much of the craft beer selection from the Northwest and Montana is that the higher the alcohol level, the better the beer usually is. And no, it’s not because I”m dulling my senses a little faster, you can tell the difference in the first sip. Typical brewers yeast can only tolerate 12% or 13% ABV before it dies off (although Sam Adams has a strain that’s good to go up to 22%)  and it’s obvious just from the quality, finish, and cost of the finished product that it takes more skill and effort to produce a beer with a high alcohol content (by my standards 8-11%).

Four percent is just such an arbitrary limit. It’s downright unnatural… The only limit to the alcohol level should be the yeast used for the brewing. By and large, arbitrary standards (such as 4% ABV, marriage only being between a man and a woman, etc) suck.

Next time I’m in Utah, I’m drinking wine.