A while back I offered to answer reader’s questions on the blog on Thursdays. There haven’t been many takers, but we got another one. I have edited both the question and my response for brevity, privacy, etc.

I came across a Living After Faith podcast with your interview. I don’t hear from many former SDAs, so it is interesting.

I am 53 year old male and left the SDA church long ago when I was in my 20s. I am happily married to a former Catholic woman who understands me but thinks I bridle too much to religion. I am happy with my life and things have worked out pretty well. I work as a scientist…

I do have a question for you about fitting in with my family because my brother and sister and their families are strong SDAs verging on tea party people while I am atheist, liberal and secular.  The family is mixed with some not so religious people like my other sister and my mom.

I survive family celebrations by being passive and not engaging in religious discussions or disagreeing with people. This is taking a toll on me and I feel I am betraying myself.

I have objected in the past to the religious tone of some family celebrations and I am getting to the point of a new objection. During meal blessings I normally just sit there and hold hands and keep my eyes open. It is a small thing, but I now want to increase my protest and sit there and not hold hands and not be a part of the blessing at all because of my lack of respect for what I think is an evil false god idea. You could call it a quiet protest that might never the less cause problems.

Your story is one of having family members that are still SDA so I was wondering if you have any advice? Do you find it better to be combative or assertive or passive? Is my little change in behavior something too small or too large?  How do you deal with such things?

I am quite fortunate that my oldest brother, who is 13 years older than me, proceeded me as an atheist by about 20 years. Out of the combined seven of us, I am the youngest and I was the last to stay in the church, but only the second to be an out atheist.

For events that are just within my immediate family, verbal meal blessings stopped somewhere between my leaving the seminary and the time that I made it known I was an atheist. To be honest, I didn’t really notice until last summer. I don’t think it was a conscious decision, but my parents obviously didn’t see much of a point in leading a public prayer for just the two of them when there’s 10 or 15 people at the table, ranging from atheists to minimally nominal Christians. At family reunions with more like 60 people present, the group meals do include public blessings of the common meals. However in this case its just a bunch of people standing around, and about half are joining in the prayer.

In your case, if it’s your house then it’s your rules. If someone wants to pray silently before they eat at your table then that’s fine, but they have no right to force it on everybody in your home. However, if you are a guest in someone else’s home and they want to pray, then that is their choice. You can’t be forced to join in and I think you would have every right to decline holding hands. If you do choose to decline, then it might be a little less awkward if you sit at the end of the table. Sitting during the prayer with your eyes wide open and arms crossed would be as far as you should go in your protest. A tirade about how they are praying to a vile iron age demonic mythic creation would not only piss off everybody around you, but you would likely loose any allies that might be present and there would be a decent chance that you would be asked to leave.

When it comes to family, you owe it to yourself and them to make it known that you’re an atheist since it’s part of who you are, which it sounds like you’ve done. Everybody knows the rule that in polite company you shouldn’t discuss religion, politics, or sex, so if they bring it up, then you have every right to participate in the discussion, regardless of how strongly you disagree. However, if you like your family and want them to continue to like you, then you should take a dipolmatic stance as much as possible. When religion and politics come up, keep as unemoational as possible, focus on the facts, avoid logical fallacies, and avoid insulting them and their beliefs.

Keep it civil, but don’t let them make you feel trapped by their religion.