The guide to losing your faith is winding to a close, next time I’ll be sharing my experience with grieving the loss of my grandparents as an atheist, but today it’s a much more pleasant topic. That’s right, its time for the sex talk.
It’s unfortunate for this post that we have documented proof that my mom reads my blog…I guess it’s time for my first PARENTAL ADVISORY: contains adult themes, course language, sexual innuendo, and adult situations, so Mom, feel free to skip this one. Please…
Rich Lyons of the Living After Faith podcast did a good job with this topic in his episode, Too Fucked up to Fuck as far as the big picture goes, but when it comes to sex who doesn’t like the sweaty, juicy details?
I’m trying to find the middle ground between dry and dripping wet, between the shrinkage of a glacier fed lake and every throbbing inch, between beating it around the bush and going all the way. Seriously, I’m trying to balance what could be helpful information for someone who is going through a loss of faith and TMI.
If you read the story of my deconversion a few months ago, I did mention that when I was in the seminary I maintained my Christian virtue. I have never been that smooth with the ladies, and was especially ill suited for bar pickups and even just the dating scene outside of an Adventist college campus, so needless to say I came horrifyingly close to being the 24 year old virgin, popping my proverbial cherry less than two months before my birthday.
What I can say from experience is that if you’re a recent deconvert and you were a good Christian who took your church’s prohibitions against premarital sex seriously, be ready for some performance issues and a lot of frustration. Do your best to enjoy the ride and one day all will be right.
SECOND PARENTAL ADVISORY – If what you have read so far made you blush, DO NOT CONTINUE.
My first time involved picking up a woman at the bar. I was drunk, excited, and horrified…I had enough performance anxiety that I was fine with prolonging the foreplay as long and as creatively as possible.
When it came time to do the deed, I had a problem. Half way in, it went soft. Crippling, debilitating performance anxiety and no, it wasn’t the booze, my member was plenty hard until called to center stage. Since I couldn’t get it back up, that night I was horrified that I lost my virginity, but didn’t even get a full thrust in.
The next day I got another try and was doing better, but still had trouble keeping it up for more than a few glorious minutes. I knew the problem had to be in my head, so I finally told her that this was my first time. She was surprised, but fine with it.
First problem solved (lesson #1: be honest)…but now I couldn’t get off. By the end of the weekend, she was sore and frustrated and I wondered if there was something horribly wrong with me.
When I got home I did some research online and found that I was suffering from anorgasmia, a condition where someone is unable to experience an orgasm at all or with a partner. In my case it was only a problem with a partner. As I read on, I found that while it was rare in men, it was most common for those who lost their virginity relatively late (after 20) and who had a conservative religious up bringing. The only way to over come it was with time, patience, and eliminating the mental pressure to orgasm.
I thought about it, and decided that since I couldn’t get off, I could at least keep going a lot longer than the average man, so why not make the most out of it? And that’s exactly what I did. I tried my best to just make it about the woman I was with, but unfortunately too many women are socialized to worry more about their sexual partner getting off than getting off themselves, so it was a frustrating uphill battle where I would have to reassure her that I did think she was hot and that I was enjoying myself (immensely), and more importantly that if she ever wanted me to cum that she would need to back off.
I had 23 years of brainwashing telling me that what I was doing was wrong. This is not easy to overcome. It took almost a full two years for me to get to where I could consistently get off, but I think I’m finally somewhere in the realm of normal. Fortunately I had a very patent girlfriend at one point that aided with this.
Here’s a few tips that can help with working your way out of problems like this:
- Recognize that if you can get yourself off that there is nothing physiologically wrong with you.
- If you know you’re going to be having sex soon, don’t masturbate. Save it for when you’re with someone.
- When you’re in the moment, keep your mind there.
- If it’s taking so long that one or both of you are pain (sore arm, sore jaw, sore nether regions) then stop. Your partner’s painful insistence on getting you off will only increase the pressure, which is your enemy.
- Gradually work your way up to your partner being able to get you to orgasm, you can do this by getting yourself almost there and then let your partner get you the rest of the way, also try the opposite.
If you’re dealing with issues in the bedroom like this (or like anything else), I hope you can find someone who can be patient with you. Don’t worry, with time it will get better and you won’t be anywhere near as frustrated. If you want you can print this out and give it to sexual partners who lay on the pressure too much, or better yet just have them start reading my blog.
Now, I think some of you may be hoping for some moralizing here. So here are are the oughts of godless sex:
- Read Savage Love and/or listen to the Savage Lovecast.
- Wear a condom.
- Be Good, Giving, and Game (GGG) (If you don’t know what this is, then refer to #1).
- Obey the campsite rule regarding age and experience level, and when you’re starting out don’t be too upset if others don’t (again, refer to #1).
- Be respectful.
- Beyond that, just have guilt free fun with other consenting adults you find attractive.