Disclaimer-It’s Friday so it’s time for something light, maybe even some satire. If you think you might be offended you have the choice to stop now and come back next time. For those who don’t heed this warning, read on at your own risk.

Dear Christians,

I tried to witness to people when I was a Christian and I’ve had Christians try to witness to me since I’ve become an atheist. Since I’ve been on both sides, I feel the responsibility to at least tell you all that annoying stuff that only hurts your cause, because I’m sick and tired of it, of course, there is that chance that this may allow you to be more effective at witnessing to us godless heathens. Let’s start with an anecdote from June 2008.

It was “Taste of Tacoma” weekend and since my apartment was only a few blocks from Point Defiance Park, where it’s held each year, there were a lot of people taking every last inch of the parking lot behind my building. When I came home from work after closing the center late that Saturday night there was somebody that ran up and asked if I could help him out. He had a two wheel drive Ford Ranger and had backed off of the parking lot into a gutter and got himself stuck.

He and a few friends tried to get it unstuck, but to no avail. At the time I had a 1994 Dodge Dakota 4×4 with a V-8 and front tow hooks (which I installed the winter I was in Michigan to make it easier to yank people out of the ditch). I was a bit nervous about the situation considering how many cars were there, if something went wrong such as the strap snapping or my tires breaking loose it would have been bad. I maneuvered around some of the cars, got out my tow strap, hooked it to one of my tow hooks, put it into 4Lo and once he had it attached to his truck and gave the word I slowly backed out pulling him back onto the parking lot.

As I was putting away the tow strap he asked me if I knew Jesus. I simply informed him that I was an atheist and a former Christian and he kept going off until I got the tow strap put away and told him I need to park and get on with my weekend. I found myself wondering where this guy got off trying to proselytize me after I had helped him and when it was obvious that I was getting home from work.

It’s a completely different situation if its the other way around, if someone feels the need to tell me why they helped me then I’ll listen. In my case, I was being good for goodness sake. I didn’t brush him off when he asked for help, or charge him for the service would have required a tow truck and probably $50 if I hadn’t done it. So let’s make this #1 on our list.

1. If somebody just did you a favor don’t think you’re returning it by trying to share the love of Jesus.
2. Don’t tell me I’m going to hell. Since I don’t believe in hell it isn’t any scarier than Middle Earth.
3. Don’t tell me I’m doing Satan’s bidding or otherwise link me to Satan. I don’t believe in your cosmic super villain.
4. Don’t tell me I’m mad at God. I’m no more mad at God than I am mad at Santa Claus.
5. Don’t equate someone’s deconversion with a teenage rebellion. The vast majority of atheists reached that position from a very long process of thorough study. Its also a position that nobody takes lightly since atheists are the most hated minority in America.
6. Don’t quote scripture. Most atheists in the US used to be Christians and there’s a good chance that we just might know the Bible better than you. Since we don’t think it’s any more authoritative than the Qu’ran, Bhagavad Gita, Tao Te Ching, or the Cat in the Hat it’s not going to add any weight to your argument.
7. Don’t assume that yours is the default position. You’re making the claim, not us, so the burden of proof is on your side. Good luck.
8. Don’t bring up unverifiable “facts,” especially if it’s something that has been verified to be false (such as a literal seven day creation 6000 years ago).
9. Don’t knock on doors on Saturday or Sunday morning. You can’t expect a hungover atheist you just woke up to be receptive to anything you have to say.
10. Don’t vandalize atheist billboards or bus ads. In the vast majority of cases, we weren’t talking to you, so butt out. Also, don’t support the criminals.
11. Don’t claim persecution. A powerful, well funded majority (i.e. US Christians) could only be persecuted if they chose to persecute themselves. If you want a good example of a persecuted group in the US, look at the GLBT community. Who’s doing the persecution there?
12. Don’t claim that the US was founded as a Christian nation unless you can provide some backing for it, oh wait there isn’t any.
13. Don’t push your beliefs on the rest of the country through the legal process. You wouldn’t like it if anybody else pushed their beliefs on you. I seem to remember something from the Bible about doing unto others…